I was sitting at my desk doing some worrying when I received the message below in a newsletter from one of my favorite bloggers, Mara Glatzel of Medicinal Marzipan. She writes about “the simplicity of trusting [yourself] to figure it out – if and when there is something to figure out and not a moment sooner…” This is such an important message about being present, trust, and, as meditators often say, dropping the story line. That is, the story we tell ourselves about our future and our past and, consequently, all the reasons that we devise to feel worried. So I’m dropping my storyline and getting back to living THIS day without making it any more complicated than it needs to be. Thanks Mara!…
“Over the course of my life, I have had an unnerving relationship with ease. I’ve simultaneously told myself the old story, that nothing worth doing is easy, while also praying for ease. Praying for the carefree, effortless feeling when you are totally plugged into your spirit and source, showing up in the world in a way that is in energetic integrity with your desires.
This week, I’ve felt that familiar old feeling creeping up and bubbling over.
Prove yourself. Make it complicated. Worry worry worry – running over the sharp edges of the particulars in your mind again and again. Embrace your flair for the dramatic – ask for help, survey the crowd.
But it all comes down to this: working myself up into a lather because it is familiar for me.
I have been accustomed to making my problems bigger, more overwhelming. I have been accustomed to feeling comfortable in moments that require superhuman effort.
I have not been accustomed to ease. To the simplicity of trusting myself to figure it out – if and when there is something to figure out and not a moment sooner. To the calm, un-knotted relaxation of enjoying my life without the crippling vice grip of perfectionism.
And yet, I have desired it. I have hungered for the calm beneath my skin – for life without the panic of not being good enough.
Sometimes, when we’ve been doing a piece of internal work, we find ourselves caught between worlds. We find ourselves experiencing growing pains in our becoming. In our becoming, we have begun the evolution of our spirit – uncomfortable in our old ways of being but not yet fully embodying our new selves.
The point is that this is utterly, completely ok. We are utterly, completely ok when in a state of flux. It can feel like the walls are crumbling or our world is falling apart or that we simply cannot get ourselves out of our own way – but I have to wonder, what if it were easy?
What if… we cut ourselves a little bit of slack?
What if… we made some space for our humanness?
What if… we simply met ourselves where we are?
(And yes, for me, that means meeting myself in my huge love of drama, of making a mountain out of a molehill, of tying a part of my ego to my ability to show up and make things happen against superhuman odds – and my desire to learn a new, simpler and calmer way of being.)
We are a gorgeous mess of contradictions. I so adore that about us.